Location: my mother's livingroom, Orono
When: January 27, 2005, 5:45 am
Present: Ethel LeClair
Coffee: Port City India Malabar
I had to go steal half & half from my momma this morning. She was up watching TV because the paper boy hadn't come yet. She's usually up this early in the morning. Even though she doesn't need to be to work until 8:30, she usually shows up an hour or two early. She's crazy that way. I don't think anyone at the library realizes she does the work of two or three people. When she retires from there this spring, they are going to be in so much trouble! Anyway, I sat and had coffee with my mother. I used to do this regularly, but haven't for a while. It meant I'd be late to Pembroke, but I realized that I wouldn't have too many more opportunities for this. Mom's moving to Kittery in the spring, and I won't be able to just go downstairs and have coffee with her. I hear my therapists voice asking, "How does it feel to know you won't be able to just go downstairs and have coffee with your mother?"
It is hard... it feels too big to put into words. All this time I thought I couldn't wait for Mom to move to Kittery where my sister can deal with her and now... I'm scared and sad and well, she's been drinking coffee in that exact same chair every morning for the past 20-odd years. She's like a point on the compass, a constant, and without her there, that is one less thing that is certain in this world. It is like I have to let go of something, grow a little older, become a little more "adult" without her sitting in that chair...