Cup 89: not enough coffee in the world...

ring 2
Originally uploaded by matt_leclair.

Where: home, Orono
When: Friday, Feb 25
Who: dot & dash
Coffee: Avalon organic Italian Roast
Mood: down

Today the depression is the worst it's been all winter. Depression is like a living thing. I read a book a long time ago, Colin Wilson's The Mind Parasites. I remember not liking it very much at the time, but maybe I should give it another read. The Mind Parasites were alien beings that lived in our minds and afflicted us with things like depression in order to keep us from ever rising to a level where we might defeat them. Today I can almost believe that is true. There are things you can do to fight depression. Diet, exercise, socializing, walks in the sunlight... all the things you're least likely to want to do when you're depressed. Instead you just want to go sit in a dark corner, alone, eating chocolate and other comfort food... all the things that are going to guarantee that the depression persists. There's other things too. Low self-esteem comes and paranoia come with depression too, as does low energy and lack of focus. What is a sure boost to self-esteem? Getting things accomplished. What is going to happen with low energy and no focus? Nothing. I'm sitting in front of the computer for hours at a time, only to discover I haven't done a thing, and I have no idea where the time went. And the lack of getting things done contributes to the paranoia, because I'm all to aware of the responsibilities I have that I'm not meeting... and so on. Depression really does seem like a living thing, doing what it needs to to perpetuate itself.

Depression makes the coffee stop working. When the depression isn't here that cup in the morning gives me that extra boost to shake off the sleep and get focused on the challenges of the day. When the depression is here there just isn't enough coffee in the world to clear my head, make me feel motivated and directed. It is like this thick, viscous substance has coated my brain and is squeezing my heart, and I try to drink more, to make it go away, but it doesn't.